Saturday, January 31, 2015

Tears in Death

The roses on the wall,
red as crimson blood.
The air is thick and blinding.
I am drowning in the flood.

Everywhere, anywhere, look,
there is no way out.
I flail my arms in agony,
senseless to try and shout.

I am crying while I'm dying.
You killed my anxious soul.
The daggers in my heart,
you obtained your dreaded goal.

My last breathe of life,
blood red, deep scarlet red.
The rose petals wilting.
I close my eyes, dead.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Misery

I fell asleep in the anguish of my pain. There was nothing I could say or think that would make things better. I pulled the covers over my head and delved into my sadness. In my sleep, I forgot my disappointment,  but as soon as I awoke, my heart raced, my head hurt and my soul was aching.

I think there are some people that are never meant to be happy. Just when we think that we have achieved happiness, our world falls apart. Everything comes crashing down, overwhelming the senses.

Why am I so sensitive? I wear my heart on my sleeve and nothing can protect me. Cruelty shows no mercy on the weak of heart. Cruelty creeps in every chance it has and stabs me with its ragged edges. It disguises itself as kindness, even love, only to gain access. Then, swiftly brings out its sword and does away with all of me.

I am numb. I hurt. I can feel it. I can feel the insecurities of despair, but I am numb. I have walked this path too many times. Wretched misery is quite familiar. Although I want no part of it, it always finds me. It's a curse that I do not want to own, but it owns me. Misery, oh sweet sulking misery. You cover the walls of my mind and everything goes black. I have my eyes shut wide open. Inside lives all the turmoil, all the deceit, all the unhappiness, but no one would ever guess. My eyes are wide open. A smile stamped on my face, I walk through life. I trek through the jungles, the mountains and the deserts. I don't waiver for you to see. I hide my dear sweet misery.

One time. Two times, three. There is no one more unlucky than me. I have seen no rainbow. The storm continues to fall and the thunder continues to hit. "Slam! Slam! Whapoosh!" Thunder, striking my bare skin. The water now flowing up my waist. When will the tears stop? When will my heart no longer ache?

A patch of flowers lies ahead. Roses, bountiful to see. The crimson red filling my heart with joy. I draw closer, almost being able to touch the petals. I am afraid for they are so enticingly enchanting. I am there between the roses smelling their sweet scent. I reach for one, carefully, and the wretched creature cuts me. I am bleeding once again. I am in sweet, sweet pain. O, wretched misery, even in the midst of beauty,  you have found me.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

O Dios mio

O Dios mio
Que grande es tu amor por mi. Al darme vida, me dejaste escoger si te amaria. No me puedo imaginar una vida donde mis hijos no me aman. Tu nos diste la opcion de escoger. Cuan grande es tu amor por mi.

O Dios mio
Apesar que tome mi propio rumbo en la vida, cuando te mas necesite alli estuviste. Me levantaste de el abismo y me diste vida una vez mas. Me encenaste el camino hacia la luz y me diste alegria aunque no la merecia.

O Dios mio
Te amo padre mio porque tu eres grande y maravilloso. Miro las flores en un jardin, y alli estas. Miro la sonrisa de mis hijos, y alli estas. Miro el sol de otro dia, y solo a ti doy gracias.  Que infinita es tu misericordia.

O Dios mio
Pongo a la humanidad en tus manos. Es triste ver la avaricia, el celo y el dolor de tus hijos. Como una familia, estamos aquebrantados. Necesitamos de ti mi Senor. Necesitamos tu sabiduria. Necesitamos amarnos el uno a el otro. Necesitamos valorar la vida eterna que nos ofreces y cosechar buen fruto.

O Dios mio
Eres ayer, hoy y para siempre...

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

My Soul Sister

My Dearest,

Remember when we played school, and you swatted me so hard I couldn't breathe? Remember when you threw yourself off a tree higher than your house and yelled, "Wonder Woman!" We were an odd couple to become so close. We fought right before you got married, some 25 years ago. I was scared that you were leaving me. I was scared we would stop being best friends. We stuck it through that time and our friendship became stronger.

I miss you my dearest friend. I have missed you for a long time. It's been about a year since our argument.  You set me straight when you let me know I wasn't your only friend. I never pretended to be your only friend. I loved you like a sister. When your husband hurt you, I wanted to take your pain away. I wanted to erase him from your life. However,  you chose to stay and I respected your decision. I heard you cry, I tried to help, but somehow the pain he caused you drew us apart. I think I was a constant reminder that you were not happy. 

I wrote to you this past Christmas. Every day that passed and you didn't answer was excruciating. I thought, atleast she'll say Merry Christmas.  I never thought much of friends,  because they come and go. However, you were my soul sister, my everything. We had been together, though near or far. I miss you. I really do miss you. I never imagined my life without you. We said we would grow old together, remember? I remember. I remember you and I at Hallmark reading greeting cards together, laughing until our stomachs hurt. Even now over 20 years later, that day brings a smile to my face. We were certifiable, but we spent so many great times together.  I wonder what you are doing now. I wonder how you are. I figured we would be talking soon, and now a year has come and gone. My dearest friend, my dearest sister, I miss you so very much.

Your sister...

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Mi Tesoro

Te amo...
Como un dia ame por primera vez
No pense...
Que olvidaria el dolor que yo pase
Pero ahora...
Me haz dado una nueva razon
Tu amor...
Es tierno y me alienta mi existir
Eres mio...
Lo puedo ver en tus ojos lucir
Soy tuya...
Desde hoy y para siempre lo sere
No se...
Como pude vivir sin ti
No podria...
Ser feliz sin ti a mi lado

Gracias amor mio por cada beso, cada caricia, cada tierno abrazo que me das. Tu amor me ayuda enfrentar este cruel mundo dia a dia. Sin ti soy nadie. Contigo puedo ser yo.

My Delirium

I am going to stray from what I was writing as the inspiration has dwindled to write any further stories about my life.  Perhaps, most likely, I hope I can get back to such writing in the future.  My boyfriend asked me why I have not finished a book up until now.  Simply stated, I don't have the patience and the dedication to stick to one subject, one idea, one topic.  I find it very difficult to write about fiction.  I have said this before and I repeat it.  I tried to write a romantic tragedy only to find that I was writing something not of me, from me.  It felt awkward to try and build a world that did not exist.  Yet, I pick words from the air every day to jot down notes, to put together ideas, to write in this blog.  Yes, I admit, my stories don't always make sense.  Or do they?  Does someone out in this great big world of ours understand exactly what I am trying to say.  Frankly, I don't think so.  You know why? Simply put, I don't even understand myself.  So, how can anybody else understand me.

I am trapped in an abyss of ideas.  I enter my mind and it is as if I have entered an ocean without a life raft.  The ideas go one way and they come at me in a different direction all at once.  Am I confused? No. Yes. Sometimes.  I ask myself why I was born this way.  When I was five-years-old I was thinking about the atomic bomb.  I was thinking that we were going to destroy each other with the atomic bomb.  I cried for all the lives that would be sacrificed including my own.  At five-years-old I thought about the coming of Christ.  I thought about the rapture and whether I would be left behind.  I thought about God and what it meant to be a sinner.  I know not everyone starts thinking about these things at such a young age.  If they did, what a neurotic society we would be.  I believe there are children that have the opportunity to enjoy their childhood.  I am not one of them.  Well, yes at times I enjoyed my childhood while playing marbles on the playground and running around with the boys.  I enjoyed myself while destroying all my siblings special somethings while they were at school.  Always, though, in the back of my mind there was more.  There was always more.  There was this question looming over my head, "Is there more to life than just life?"  The only entity which I believe I could ask such a question is God.  Yes, my God as I see him, as I know him, as I understand him to be.  I can ask him what the purpose is for me.  I can ask him what I am supposed to be doing in this world,  I can ask him how I fit in to the big picture.

after almost four decades of confusion and exclusion from normalcy, I am no closer to the answer then when I was just a child.  My experiences have grown, I have matured with the issues that I have been confronted with in my life.  However, the answer to why I am here has not been answered.  When I die.  When I am in the journey from life to death will I be able to finally understand the purpose of my existence?  Is that when I will be able to understand why I laughed, why I cried, why I hurt, why I was.  Even further, will I be able to understand why others were intertwined with my existence.  Will there be a meaning in all the connections?  I believe I have a soul, and I believe that my soul is directly connected to my brain.  Why?  Only because when my soul is feeling, my brain interprets those feelings.  Or is it my heart?  My heart is only an organ.  It doesn't think.  It doesn't understand.  However, my soul is a living, feeling, breathing creature tied to my brain.  How is that possible?  The idea of a soul is so abstract, yet one must exist because the brain and the heart are merely organs.  Our arms, our legs, our insides are all organs.  Yet there is something within us that is more than an organ.  It is something that cannot be contained in a jar or removed from us through surgery.  It is intangible.

The journey of our soul ends here.  Yes?  I have no clue is the journey of our soul begins, ends or continues here.  My soul is here.  I can not see it.  I can not hold it.  However, how can I ignore it.  It ignites with anger, with love, with jealousy.  Every emotion that you can think of is within me.  My shell, the protection of my soul, is my body.  Depending on my life experiences, my soul forms protections against outside stimuli.  It tells my brain to stay away from certain people, it tells my body to go inside because the weather is too hot.  I have confused myself more in simply writing this blog.  When I come out of this, I will have more questions.  When I have finished writing I will have more doubts.  I should believe that we have a purpose.  I should believe this to be true because I brought three people into this world.  I made a conscious choice to bring three souls into this realm of existence.  I must have passed on some of me to them, because I see the same questions in them that I saw in me.  They are complex individuals who question everything before them.  At times I wish they were more simple-minded because they will suffer as I have suffered.  They will question as I have questioned.  It is my hope that their belief system will be stronger, that they will know what there purpose is in this life.  However, I know quite well that there are no real answers.  There are only guesstimations of what is and what is not.

I will end hear.  My quest was to answer some of the unanswered in my mind.  However, instead I have created more confusion.  See I have these dialogues in my mind all the time.  I just thought if I wrote it down, if I shared it, I would come up with more answers.  Why am I here?  What have I accomplished?  Do I have a purpose?  I can find some sort of answer, but is it the right answer.  "To be or not to be, that is the question?" Who knows the answer?

Eye see

Through your eyes
I see your soul
In the deep
As it weeps

As time goes by...

Continuation...

No, I was not done with my last blog. I understand my ending didn't make sense. Honestly, I just got sleepy and ended the post rather abruptly. My apologies. I noticed it as I read over what I last wrote. This piece will probably end the same so be patient with me.  I live a crazy life with three teenagers, all of whom are more mature than I. You think I'm kidding. Pretty funny stuff, huh. Well my 13-, 14- and 19-year-old would all agree that I am a teenager trapped in the body of an over-the-hill mother. It's not that I grew up thinking I wanted to be unconventional. It's just that no matter how many diets I tried to follow, I could never fit myself into a conventional mold.  Believe me, I tried my best to be what my family expected me to be. A lawyer, a doctor, a scientist... All those pragmatic careers would have suited them fine. The only problem was, my parents being non-English speaking, were unable to steer me in the direction of a pragmatic career. None of my siblings ever thought it necessary to take me under their wing and nurture my future. Some crumbs to lead me in the right direction might of helped.

Let me take that back. When I was in first grade, I asked my sisters Ruth and Esther to help me with my homework. They helped me get a big fat zero on my assignment the following day. I realized then that I was a one woman show. I grabbed on to the work ethic of my parents and threw myself into the cruel real world. I made it through middle school, high school and University at the top of my class. Was I highly intelligent? No. However, what I didn't possess in IQ, I made up for in gusto. I simply jumped in to challenges hoping I would learn how to swim. I still don't know how to swim, but I learned how to drain the water from the tub before I drowned. To me it meant that I didn't have to learn how to swim, because I learned to shift things to suit my capabilities.

Why am I writing a story about my life? I'm not, really. Well, I am, but in no particular sequence or with no particular purpose. I just realized one day that I am not very good at fictional writing. It feels like I'm lying to my audience, my readers.  So, I decided to jot down my view on life. My non-conventional, skewed, quirky view on life. So with that said, I'll be going through a journey in my writing. I'm not sure where it will take me. However, I'm sure it will be amusing.
___________________________________________

My mother Quirina Valladarez,  was the daughter of Crescenciano Valladarez, my grandfather. He was a rancher and owned property with his brother in Michoacan. They were Mexican cowboys with horses, pistols and all the things movies portray.. I knew my grandfather as he was in my life for about 8 years. He traveled from Mexico to the United States as a brasero. He would come work in the agricultural fields and would return to Mexico at the end of the crop-picking season.  Unfortunately, when I was about 8, my mother received word from Michoacan that my grandfather was found in a canal with an empty bottle of rubbing alcohol that he had ingested. This is how my grandfather died.

Now, the reason I bring him up is because my grandfather Crescensciano was once and maybe even died being one of Mexico's most wanted.  You see, my grandfather wasn't always an alcoholic. He and his brother had a good life in Michoacan. They kept livestock and grew wheat. They were inseparable, my grandfather and his brother. The sherrif of their town had a son. My grandfather's brother and the sheriff's son had some unresolved issues. It turns out things ended tragically for my grandfather's brother. He was shot dead by the sheriff's son. My grandfather, by my mother's account, was a hard-working man who provided for his family. However, after his brother was killed, he took up drinking and some other unsavory habits. There was no stopping his misery. He spent days in a drunken state.

One day, in his anguish, he decided to take matters into his own hands and killed the Sherrif's son. They confiscated all my grandfather's property and set a bounty on his life. He was sought by Mexican authorities and was labeled one of Mexico's most wanted. He was forced to leave his family behind and fled to the United States. Eventually, my mother and father followed my grandfather to Sonora, Mexico close to the border and brought my grandmother with them. They settled in a little town called San Luis Rio Colorado, Sonora. My grandfather would travel back to Michoacan, but never returned to live there for fear he would be killed. Ironically, he died there in his home town from alcohol poisoning. My mother says that after his brother died, my grandfather was never the same. She used to tell me that it was as if his heart had died with his brother. She described my grandfather as a killer for hire, a feared man and a womanizer with no morals.

By the time I met him, all I can remember is a gentle blue-eyed old man who would sit me on his lap and give me candy. Our surname for him was an endearing Papi Chencho. I never suspected my grandfather could have ever been a wanted man. I was there when my mother received word her father had been found dead. I never saw her cry and she never told me what it meant to her to lose her father. At night, while laying in bed with my mother, she would share stories of her childhood with me. Often times, stories revolved around my Papi Chencho's adventurous life.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

In the beginning...

Why did we grow up so dysfunctional? I have asked myself that question over and over again.  In my naiveté, I believed we were a normal family. We were the eight children of a first-generation Mexican-born Christian pastor. I was born in the early 70's and my older sister was already ahead of me by 7 years. My oldest brother was three decades my senior at my birth. Trinidad Zaragoza, my oldest brother and the oldest sibling, was old enough to be my father when I was fighting my way into this world.
In 1973, my birth year, I believe only my sisters were left at home. As a matter of fact, only my two youngest sisters were still at home. Ruth Zaragoza, 7 years my senior, and Esther Zaragoza,  8 years my senior. I, of course, came along as the last of eight. I'm not sure if I was planned or accidental. Being from a God-fearing home, I believe God has every part of our lives planned so I suppose I can say I was not an accident. I don't know if my parents would have agreed at the time.

So, I grew up the youngest of three girls. The rest of my siblings moved on to raise their own family.  My two older sisters gravitated towards each other, because they were only one year apart. I was much younger and was the baby of the house. My sisters grew up and moved out. I grew up, got married, divorced, got married, separated from my husband and now live back in the home that my father built when I was five. I remember my grandfather Crescensciano grabbing a hold of my hand, helping me pick up a brick, putting cement on it and helping me place it on one of the walls of this home. Somewhere in the living room, if my mind serves me correctly. I can honestly say that I had a part in building our home. In the cobwebs of my memory I can still remember my two grandfathers and my father building our home.

As I said before, we grew up in a God-fearing home. My father had been a pastor for some time before I came along.  We were the pastor's family in a Christian church in a small town called Somerton. Everyone knew our family. Even now, thirty years later, I run into people who still remember my father being the Pastor of Templo de Oracion.  It's been about 19 years since my father left the pulpit. To me it feels like just yesterday, probably because my father still calls me his baby. He's eighty-four this year and I'm his forty-one-year-old baby. I have to chuckle on that one.  Me, a baby? My beautiful mother has been in heaven since 2007. We were raised as a matriarchal family and when she passed away, we all lost a certain like for one another. She was the leader of the pack, the Queen of her nest, my whole life.
Then one day she was gone and her nine sheep all went astray. Everyone took their own direction and I stayed in this home with my father. Was it the right decision? Was it my jail sentence for being so liberal-minded and questioning God?

Yes, I'm a disappointment to my siblings. I was an over-achiever in school. I had no idea what profession I would take on some day. I did, however,  master the art of learning. I loved school. My teachers were my best friends. I was a tomboy who played marbles and helped the boys beat up the girls. I was even swatted by the principal once. It wasn't I who had committed an offense,  but by the time the culprit stepped forward, my hiney had been whacked by the principal. All I got for the pain was a sorry. I'm not sure if I disappointed my siblings because I was a rebel, a non-conformist, or because I married some pretty screwed up men. Personally, I think they disliked me and each other despite any rational explanation.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

No Eyes Wide Shut!

Happy New Year, 2015 is here to stay. One more year older. Three-hundred-sixty-five days have come and gone. We are one year wiser. Not quite true for all of us. We know who we are. Forever young, forever innocent yet so damn deceiving. Anyone would rather live a fantasy than know the truth. Your husband is not cheating on you, your wife didn't spend $300 gambling, your kids are not out drinking and drugged while you are paying their college tuition. Life is too hard to face. Let's make it a New Year's resolution to face the truth in 2016. Huh, we all know the success rate of those resolutions. In 2016, if we can dull the pain enough, we can ignore the truth for one more year. Oh, what a piece full of negativity this is ma'am. Why are you not happy we have a new beginning? The sun has risen and has now set. It's a new start. Give humanity a chance. Give yourself an opportunity to believe. Give your children the chance to survive and live happy lives. On the contrary, I have given them the best chance possible by preparing them for reality, cruel reality. They don't believe in fairy dust and knights in shinning armor. Due to this simple step I took to show them the ugliness of reality, they will survive and fulfill their life desires. They will not live to satisfy x or y. They will live to satisfy themselves, New Year after New Year. I love my children; so, I taught them to look through all the shit, the soot, the gunk. They, MY children, will not live with their eyes wide shut!

Please, I know you stranger, friend, lover

I got happy today. A little bit of Christmas music awoke my soul. I could smell the pine scent of a Christmas tree although I have not one decoration of old St. Nicholas. I had to clean the floor; so, I put on some SaltnPepa to dance with every stroke. It was fun and funny. I was in the living room, hearing music on my blue tooth speaker. He sat on the sofa with a stern face staring at me. I moved on to the kitchen, knowing he was looking, disapproval on his face. He asked if I could change the song, but he wanted the music off. Why do I have to feel people's insides? Can I wear a metal helmet that will keep others thoughts out of my mind. Can I wear a breast shield so I won't feel the pain. People near me, I hear their whispers to my soul. Happy, sad, devastated, cornered, scared, etc... I can feel them all. A room full of people. Excruciating pain, confusion. Too many people,  too many feelings. I don't  like crowds. Not because I don't  like people. I don't  like to feel their insides, their secrets. Closets full of bones, baggage from life's struggles, that's what people carry with them. Plug my ears, close my eyes, stitch my mouth, the voices still get through. Stranger, be a mystery to me. I don't want to know you the minute I meet you. I want you to be unknown. I run away from everybody, because more than me is too much for me. One brain, one heart, one soul-my own. I am a hermit, not by choice, but for survival. To try and keep hold of some of my sanity. To be able to know who I am and what I am feeling.