I got happy today. A little bit of Christmas music awoke my soul. I could smell the pine scent of a Christmas tree although I have not one decoration of old St. Nicholas. I had to clean the floor; so, I put on some SaltnPepa to dance with every stroke. It was fun and funny. I was in the living room, hearing music on my blue tooth speaker. He sat on the sofa with a stern face staring at me. I moved on to the kitchen, knowing he was looking, disapproval on his face. He asked if I could change the song, but he wanted the music off. Why do I have to feel people's insides? Can I wear a metal helmet that will keep others thoughts out of my mind. Can I wear a breast shield so I won't feel the pain. People near me, I hear their whispers to my soul. Happy, sad, devastated, cornered, scared, etc... I can feel them all. A room full of people. Excruciating pain, confusion. Too many people, too many feelings. I don't like crowds. Not because I don't like people. I don't like to feel their insides, their secrets. Closets full of bones, baggage from life's struggles, that's what people carry with them. Plug my ears, close my eyes, stitch my mouth, the voices still get through. Stranger, be a mystery to me. I don't want to know you the minute I meet you. I want you to be unknown. I run away from everybody, because more than me is too much for me. One brain, one heart, one soul-my own. I am a hermit, not by choice, but for survival. To try and keep hold of some of my sanity. To be able to know who I am and what I am feeling.
No comments:
Post a Comment