Forbidden Love

Zubia needed to straighten her thoughts. She was lost in her own life. She wasn't sure what she was doing anymore. She looked to the side of her bed and there he lay sleeping soundly as if the world had nothing against him, as if when he woke everything would be just perfect. He slept not knowing the chaos that existed in her soul.  Zubia's soul, her mind, her body all wanted to run as they have wanted to so many times before. Everytime she had to commit to one person, to say I Love You, she wanted to run as far as she could go. Only this time it was different because he was a soul worth loving, worth cherishing, worth needing. Still, she hesitated, she knew she would not stay. She knew the day would come when she would sit him down on the bed and say, "Tabrez, I don't love you the way a woman should love a man, I love you the way a sister should love a brother." He would have so many questions and I would have the answers, but they would be answers that would only hurt him more. They would be truths that go back years. You see, Zubia fell in love three years ago, almost seeming like a lifetime. Each day that she lived since then was excrutiating. She had to continue her daily life, but didn't want to live without the love of her life. He is married now and has one child, a beautiful little girl that curiously she loved as if it were her own. As if that child had grown in her womb and she had bore that child for them, for him. Zubia wished some day she could touch the baby's beautiful hair, carry her in her arms. It was a dream that would surely never come true, but still she held on to the uncertain. That dim light of hope that one holds on to when there is no hope left. Zubia wanted so strongly to block out all her friends who said it was time to move on, her mother who told her that it was time for her to make a life with another man.

So there she sat trying to hold on to the only thought that overwhelmed her mind, " Zubia you have a wonderful man in your life, he will love you forever, he will care for you, he will caress you, he would give his life for you." Yet those words were no comfort to the agony and the pain that she felt in her whole being. Those words only tore her soul apart because she could not have Tabrez be her lover, her best friend, her soul mate. He was gone, in a completely different world where she could never belong, where she would be seen as a threat, as a woman unworthy of a man, a ghost of a woman.  Zubia would be just what she was now;  a ghost, a hollow being with no chance for air, for touching, feeling, caressing.  There, in India, with Sonu she would be hated, misunderstood; she would have no say of what her destiny would be.  Yet here in her own home their was no difference. Why didn't she just go after Sonu?  After all, what she had here was not a life.  Would anyone in their right mind call what she was living a life.  She hid in her room, thinking incessantly of what could have been, of what could be, of what should be.  She looked in the internet for flights to India, she picked up the phone and she cried into the handset because she couldn't dial the number.  Zubia resisted her every desire to dial the number and book a flight.  There was no one to stop her but herself.    She had to quickly put down the handset and clean up the tears on her face as Tabrez woke up and said he had to get in the shower.  

Tabrez would soon be ready for work and when he came over and asked for a kiss she would look at him and want to stop him.  Everyday she wanted to build up the courage to stop him, to fall to her knees and beg him for forgiveness because she could not love him.  She had learned to put on a face that to him showed love, affection and what he needed for his life.  Tabrez never failed to tell her how much he loved her.  To him she was the most precious and beautiful woman in the world and he would bring her flowers out of the blue, look for her warmth and her love consistently, not knowing that every time he sought her touch she ached inside, way deep inside where one aches an ache that can't be explained.  Everyday she stopped herself from yelling out to him, "Stop, open your eyes, can't you see what you have in front of you."  Tabrez said "I love you" and quickly put on his coat and walked out the door.

All Zubia could feel was relief that she didn't have to hold her breathe, that she didn't have to keep her secret.  These walls around her knew who she was.  These walls shed tears with her everyday as she tried to fall asleep.  Her pillow had memories of every time a tear fell soflty into its' fibers.  Her bed so warmly comforted her, as she imagined Sonu, while she lay there cradling herself like a child.  She was dead, she was the walking dead and she knew that in this world many shared her same feeling of desperation.  Life was a maze of success and failures and if you took the wrong turn you would end up in a dead end.  For some there was a retracing of steps, for others this was the end of their journey. Which was she?  Could she pick herself up, retrace her steps and have the courage to go into the darkness to get to the light on the other side. " I'll always Love You Sonu.  I will always need you Sonu.  My soul is yours Sonu," she yelled at the top of her lungs.  Anyone would think, as she collapsed to the floor, that she had gone insane. "Am I insane? Do people love unconditionally through death and beyond?  What will I do with this broken heart?" she asked herself.  She was pitiful and even she felt pity for herself.  She even felt embarrassed that her life was at a stand still while Sonu kept living his life, sharing his life with his wife and his daughter.  What if he had a perfect home where he happily went to hug his wife and embrace his daughter as she called him daddy.  

You foolish girl make the voices stop. I don't know where to start because I don't want you to misunderstand this forsaken woman.  Some would say Zubia was a co-dependant woman who held on to a lost cause, others would tell her this man was not worth the time, others would say that there are many fish in the sea. Our societal standards would diminish her undying love to a mere crush not worthy of a second glance.   However, there is only one diamond in the rough.  This couple, if you ever had a chance to see them together, was that diamond in the rough. So I am sure you ask yourself, if they were so perfect together why was he married in India with a distant cousin and had chosen to have a daughter?  In many ways you will probably judge him for his choices and dislike her for her weakness.  All I can speak is the truth and you can judge them as you will.  This will not change their pain, their agony, their sacrifices for boundaries, cultural differences, prejudice, injustice. 

Their love grew at a time when the United States was at war with the Middle East.  Nine eleven had already destroyed the liberties so long embraced by the American people.  Policies had changed, privacy was invaded, phones were tapped, the internet had governmental control.  The people wondered if we would ever become a world of liberty, of freedom of choice, freedom of speech and a country where we could be free.  Any person with an ounce of understanding would know that the United States and the rest of the world had been transformed into a battle field and it would never return to what we had known growing up,what our forefathers had fought to protect.  That world as we knew it was gone forever.  People were dying of hunger, poverty and there was military chaos everywhere.  It was a time of uncetainty for many people, for many countries.  Zubia was involved in helping to protect our country from terrorism, espionage.  She was very dedicated to the liberties that still remained. 

I'm going to start by telling you how Zubia met Sonu.  Zubia met Sonu in June of 2010 as she was working a normal day.  Then,  Zubia was working as a private operative on some governmental issues and she was at the National Criminal Investigation services office picking up some paperwork.  She walked in on Sonu and Mr. Amberson discussing issues unrelated to her case.  She didn't pay much attention to who was in the room other than Mr. Amberson.  Politely, as was not customary for Zubia when working mainly with men, Amberson stopped her in her tracks and said," Zubia this is Mr. Alam.  Mr. Alam this is Zubia, a person who works on some of our more difficult cases."   Mr. Alam quickly stood up and held her hand in his and gave it a tender kiss.  It's a pleasure to meet you maam.  Zubia saw his beautiful eyes and felt mesmerized for a second, then she realized she was there on business and her abvious blushing gave away her discomfort.  Zubia just nodded her head.  "A pleasure to meet you sir." she said quickly.   She told Amberson she would pick up the papers that she needed and then she would be on her way.  It was abvious she was flustered because she had turned from a light tan into what felt like a beet red. She quickly stepped out of the room afraid to make any further conversation with Mr. Alam.  She could feel his stare as she walked out the door.  Ten minutes later she had finished what she had to do at the office and went to let Amberson know that she was on her way out.  She quickly glanced into the room and was disappointed to see that Mr. Alam was no longer in his office.  As she walked out the security double-doors she heard a deep voice say, "Ms.," as she took a stance to protect herself, a habit from years of top security work.  "Can I help you?" she asked quietly when she realized it was Mr. Alam.  He stated, "I just wanted to properly introduce myself. My name is Sonu and I am here on business.  Forgive me for being so forthecoming, but I was wondering if we could exchange business cards so that I may contact you when I get home?" Zubia wasn't even aware of what Mr. Alam did for the military or where home was, but she was so tongue-tied that she could not carry a normal conversation with this man that unexplainably made her feel fluttering in her insides. People did not make such an impression on Zubia.  Many people came in and out of her life due to her work and she moved on meeting more people on the way.  She was very protective of her private life.  She was a loner, dedicated mainly to her job and her home. Zubia did not know what to say except to reach into her pocket and grab her business cards, finding that she dropped them all over the floor.  She felt like a fool because now there was no doubt he had made an impression on her.  He quickly bent down and picked up all the cards and politely put them in order for her.  He said, "For all that work I deserve to keep atleast one of these," as he chuckled and placed her business card in his front pocket.  She placed her cards back in her coat pocket as he reached out to give her his business card.  She was still shuffling with her papers as he stated with a broad smile, "Uhmmm, Zubia would you care to take my business card or shall I call you?"  She took his card and thanked him for helping her. Zubia's mind had lost control.  She quickly gathered her thoughts and transformed into Zubia, the unbreakable.  When Zubia became nervous, she put up a facade and that's when her strong personality came out.  "Thank you very much for your help Mr. Alam.  I am sorry that you will be leaving so soon. I would have thought you would be in town longer as training is barely beginning for the officers."  "It was very nice to meet you."   What she really wanted to do was run to her car and hide.  Mr. Alam smiled, looked her in the eyes and said, "I will be calling you."  She quickly shook his hand and walked what she thought were miles to her car.  When she arrived in her car and got in her seat, she lay her forehead on the steering wheel and started laughing uncontrollably.  What had just happened?  Had she actually made such an impression on a man of his caliber; handsome, educated, well-groomed and with a voice that made her body tremble.  Silly girl, he would never call.  He was just being one of the boys and flirting to see how uncomfortable he could make her.  She grinned all the way back to her home.  Zubia could not get Sonu out of her head.  She was done for the day as she had worked the night before on some stolen military property.  Zubia was tired when she arrived at home and served herself a glass of wine and said with a smile, "To Sonu.  May you have a safe trip home."  She sat on her living room couch for a few more minutes and fell asleep, forgetting everything, even Sonu.  Something that one day would be impossible to do. 

Zubia kept herself busy with work and attending school.  She had her daily routine where she would go out in the mornings and run a couple of miles to the gym, workout and come back home.  Her life, for the most part, was quite ordinary.  The people around her respected her work ethic and understood there was a sense of privacy about Zubia.  She kept her private life very separate from her work.  She was efficient, was very good at locating and interrogating suspects, getting confessions and letting the NCIS department take over.  Her services were needed on a sporadic basis but this suited her well because she was studying to become an attorney, a desire of hers since she was a child.  She had worked in the private sector now for about eight years.  Before that she had worked as a government employee.  She found that the flexibility of working on her own made it easier for her to pursue her desire to become a litigator.  Zubia was interested in working with a private firm once she had completed her schooling.  Every once in a while she would work private investigation services for private attorneys to continue to network with the legal community.  Her experience with the military was of interest to her and allowed her to learn how to build a strong case against illegal activity in order to be able to disect that illegal activity as a private attorney and find the best stragedies to defend her clients.  School took up alot of her time when she wasn't working.  She had long hours of studying but always did well because of her outside experience.  Zubia was always well-prepared to make arguments, build documentation to support her arguments and believed that she would be quite successful as a private litigator once done with her studies. 

There was something about Zubia that only her family shared with her.  This was a secret that would haunt her for the rest of her life.  The memories, the trauma, the abuse, the humiliation, the victimization that she allowed herself to sucumb to embarrassed her and at the same time made her the person she was today.  Had she not been through the war zone, she could not be such a good soldier today.  She would have earned a purple heart for having rescued herself from that battle zone.  Zubia had been married once and the memories held on as if it had been just yesterday.  The doctor who treated her after her divorce said she had suffered post traumatic stress disorder.  All Zubia knew was that at such a young age she had gone from a child who looked at the world with innocence into a strong, resilient woman who saw the world with suspicion and always used her keen aptitude for judging people to know how to keep her distance.  Through her marriage she had developed survival skills that one would only learn after a lifetime of living, growing, learning that the world was a ruthless place of existence.  She was 20-years-old when she married.  I know this will sound kind of selfish, but luckily no children came of that marriage. She was married to a vicious man for five excrutiating years.  In those five years, she lived a hell that she would never wish on anyone else.  She had just finished Junior college and she was about to go on to University to study English, for her dream then was to be a professor at a well-respected university.  She had always had an affinity for studying since she was a little girl.  She was an only child and lived a middle-class life with her mother and father.  Even as a child she favored teachers over other students.  Her teachers would encourage her to go play with the other children, but she would tell her teachers that she enjoyed helping them with classroom chores, all the time observing what she one day thought would be her role in this world.  She was absolutely in love with the idea of becoming a teacher.  She once heard someone say, "Those who can't make it in the real world teach." She thought then, silly man don't you know that what you are today is because of those teachers.  She confided in those teachers her goals, her dreams, and they knew that Zubia expected nothing from herself but the best.  It was a standard that her parents had taught her.  Her parents worked hard to give Zubia a good life and all they asked in return was that she do her best in school and pursue a career that made her blossom; that was fulfilling to her.  

Zubia lost her father at a time when she needed guidance in transitioning into the adult world.  She was eighteen-years-old when her father died.  This was a great loss to both her and her mother because such a small family relied on one another for everything.  Zubia's mother took it the hardest because she had been married since the age of sixteen to the same man. He had been good to both Zubia and her mother.  After his death Zubia longed to have that male role model in her life.  She did not understand though how a naieve young lady like herself could fall into the claws of a wolf.  She did not undestand the dangers that existed in the world outside her little circle of trust.  She and her mother continued living in the same home and although she had planned to move away for University, she opted to attend the University of Arizona to complete her studies in English and Forensic Investigation.  Zubia demonstrated just what an excellent student she had become when she was chosen to enter the college of Education at the university.  More than two-thousand people had applied to the program and she among twenty-six students had been accepted.  She was also accepted into the honors program which allowed for all her studies to be covered.  She had no doubt that she would come out of this program with excellent credentials and she would easily obtain an internship at a University, perhaps even the same University she was to attend. The level of education that this University provided was excellent.  She knew that in one semester she had learned more than she had learned in two years of junior college. All of her professors were impressed at her ability to push herself to excel.  The program that she had enrolled in was special because unlike most programs that have hundreds of students in one class, most of her classes had the same students that had been accepted into the program with her.