When I was pregnant with my first child in 1994, I so wanted a little girl. My thoughts were always of a little girl. At about 6 months pregnant, I was told that I was having a boy. Nineteen years later, I go into my first-born transgender daughter Emilia's first surgery. God has spared me the nerves and the worry until now. She will be going in to have her tonsils (a painful and grueling recovery) plus her uvula removed. I know God will bring her through the surgery. However, I know the pain of recovery that lies ahead for my dear daughter. Emilia wants them out because they have been obstructing her breathing for much too long. They are so swollen, she stops breathing over 500 times a night and kicks and wails like a dying fish when she's asleep.
At 9:30 a.m. she goes into surgery. Everybody on the outside sees her as my brave oldest son. I, on the other hand, see her as my strong but fragile oldest child. The doctors will be there to fix Jose, while I will be there to nurture Emillia. She so wishes she could be on the outside what she is on the inside. Does anyone understand? Honestly, I don't think even she understands. She doesn't understand why she was born a boy. "Mom, I want to change my name to Emilia and change my birth certificate to show I am a girl." Let's find out how.
Emilia was about 3-years-old when I knew she was a girl trapped in the body of a boy. She ran to the girls section at the stores, she loved carrying purses, and she fought her younger sister for Barbie everything. Now, I am heterosexual and I love tools and mechanics. So, I'm not categorizing her based on likes. I can't quite put it into words. I just knew Jose would grow up to be Emillia. I let him grow up to be who he wanted to be. Emillia is Emillia, boy or girl. I love her either way. She is my oldest, my first and none of them came with an instruction manual.
My daughter has suffered through the growing pains of knowing who she is and wants to be. Emillia started by thinking she was gay. However, she wanted to wear dresses, make-up, long hair. Through self-discovery she identified herself as a girl. She has spent nineteen years finding herself. Emillia still has a long way to go. The journey has just begun. For most of us, though, self-acceptance is a life-long process. I just try to remind her that we are family and we love and accept her decisions. Out there she may have to fight to be accepted. Here, in the comfort of her mother's arms, she is my beautiful daughter no matter what is on the surface.
Emilia was about 3-years-old when I knew she was a girl trapped in the body of a boy. She ran to the girls section at the stores, she loved carrying purses, and she fought her younger sister for Barbie everything. Now, I am heterosexual and I love tools and mechanics. So, I'm not categorizing her based on likes. I can't quite put it into words. I just knew Jose would grow up to be Emillia. I let him grow up to be who he wanted to be. Emillia is Emillia, boy or girl. I love her either way. She is my oldest, my first and none of them came with an instruction manual.
My daughter has suffered through the growing pains of knowing who she is and wants to be. Emillia started by thinking she was gay. However, she wanted to wear dresses, make-up, long hair. Through self-discovery she identified herself as a girl. She has spent nineteen years finding herself. Emillia still has a long way to go. The journey has just begun. For most of us, though, self-acceptance is a life-long process. I just try to remind her that we are family and we love and accept her decisions. Out there she may have to fight to be accepted. Here, in the comfort of her mother's arms, she is my beautiful daughter no matter what is on the surface.
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