My Name was once Job....

 I have tried for most of my life to understand humanity.  I have even failed at understanding myself.  I defined who I was by a title, by a duty.  I worked many hours and became a machine of the system.  At first I had feelings, I had tears, I had nightmares.  But then came a day when there were no more tears and no more nightmares.  It became a job without emotions without remorse.  Families were created by God to be a whole and the stupidity of society in all its wisdom had determined that families should be split apart because the love that they feel for one another blinds them.  On the contrary my fellow man, that love is what keeps a family intact.  My father was a preacher and a believer that a family stuck together.  My mother was a rock that made sure we all stuck together through so many adventures that I could not even begin to explain.  I have all these mixed emotions in my head, all these dreams of children crying of children yearning for their parents that are no longer there.  In my mind I hear those children and they tell me "Who are you to tell me that I have no mother, no father."  I can't stay silent any longer because the silence that you can see on the outside is the torment that lives in my mind.  Are they voices...?  No, they are memories of the righteousness of a people whose job is to judge whether you are a good parent or deserve to lose that gift that only God can give you.  I cry many nights because I took that bond and I destroyed it.  Tired, hungry, overworked, I took that family and made a choice.  Was it always the right choice?  I would hope that when I meet my maker he will let me see that I made a difference in some lives.  I identify myself by what I have just explained.  The confusion in my mind never ends because when I look at my own children I think to myself but in a bat of an eyelash I would give my life for them.  How many people that we judge would have done the same if they could have.  Remember that is is not a job.  Its a responsibility to try and understand what can make the families whole again.  Is time in your favor?  Of course we all know that is not so.  But is God in our favor, do we have his grace?  Look at your actions and you will be able to know.  Lets not be ignorant we know the answer.  Every single one of us knows if this is a mission or just a job.  For me it was a mission.  I wanted to save lives.  I wanted children to stay with their mothers and their fathers.  Would I do it all  the same again.  Yes I would.  Would I choose my battles differently?  No I would not.  I do not cower from the choices I have made but the sacrifice I have paid is great.  I don't find peace in my mind; I don't find peace in my soul.  Perhaps a part of me does not believe in humanity any longer.  Those who I respected let me down.  Those who I respected turned around and said although you have sacrificed your life for these families you are not enough of what we ask of you.  Do they know what it is to be a shell of yourself?  To have filled yourself with the ins and outs of your job.  To have lost your identity because what you do asks so much of you and your family.  They know but they act as if they are righteous and cannot stumble.  For those who read this it may not make any sense.  For those who wonder why this woman writes so much.  It is the demons, the thoughts, the memories, the feelings, my soul that yearn to be released.  They are released here for you to read or to ignore.  I confess no talent for writing.  I write to live.  When I write I imagine it is like a crack addict that takes his first hit.  There is a sense of relief, a sense of freedom.  Your mind is freed onto the paper...Your mind is just a little more empty soon to be filled with more.  Do I wish I were different?  Do I wish silence in my mind would come.  No...  I was given a gift and one day I will have fulfilled my purpose because every step I take, every person I meet, helps me to become whole.  And when this journey ends I will know that whoever I am at that moment, that is who my maker wanted me to be...

The Tree

A monstrous tree twice the size of our house is outside my window. I had a particularly hard day with my depression, my reminiscing of work and my mother's absence. I knew this would be a challenge of a day to surpass. I sat in my room, no light being allowed into my sanctuary, that place where I could sit and wail, sobbing think of what monsters I fought yesterday and what thoughts would cross my mind today. What curse words would come in whose voices.

Things were worse back then, two years ago. I was confined to my room with no desire to get up or shower. I was a wasted life.

The chattering in my mind continued as it often does. The shadows were especially vivid that day. One voice in particular was prominent over the others. It said, "When everyone goes to sleep you will hang yourself from that tree, outside. You will get a rope ready and when all the children sleep, you will go outside and hang yourself. There was no remorse. It was just orders I heard over and over again." I itched to go outside, feel the bristles of the rope against my neck. I was ready. All along my rational side, my clinical experience was telling me not to do it. It reminded me of my children.

I picked up the phone not knowing who to call. I had no one. I dialed 911 knowing that tree would be the end for me. When they arrived I told them I would hang myself if I remained home. The voice was so compelling, so demanding. The paramedics took me to the hospital because I was determined a danger to myself.

The compelling voice of God saved me that day. Behind that evil voice, I heard Jesus. He had already died for my sins.  He spoke to me in silence and I listened.  I lay in the hospital bed hypnotized by a useless heart and mind, but at least I wasn't dead. With time this too would pass and I would go on to be alive again.

You see major depression does exist. It is not a flight of depression. It is a depressive mood that lives with you all the time. It grows and it shrinks but it's always there. If you feel this way? Look for help.

My Love, My friend....

You held me in your arms for so long. I thought you would be there as my partner and my love affair for life. The two made you the perfect person for me. You were my best friend and I was yours.

We would embark together or take our own path?

Don't forget, life is tasteless without your touch, love and tenderness.  Your voice, when you wanted me, your sexy smile, your twinkling flirts. Oh I miss all this and a whole lot more. Our hopes up in smoke, like the burning of hearts, souls and thoughts. If I never hear from you again, I know it will have been your confusion, the bitterness around you.  I never meant to fall in love again. I was to stay single forever, reminiscing on the life I could have had. Then, I fell in love with your heart and your smile.

What should be will be. I will leave things with that note in mind. #love#broken heart#love lost

Sadness found me...

To write what you always feared to even think possible. Yes, the end has come in such an ugly way. Our dreams, our plans, our future all obliterated in one day. For some, it is time to rejoice. For me it is a time to mourn what was lost. A time to drown myself in a sadness that I hope will quickly dissipate.  On February 14, 2013 it would have been two years. Two years of what I thought would be decades together. The castle has crumbled in the midst of a cloud. A storm is coming, I can easily tell. I did not imagine there would be another painful disillusion,  but some people do not get to be in love. I am not saying I have no happiness because my children pull me through any turbulence. The happiness you gave me, though, is gone. Your side of the bed is empty. My hand brushes by expecting to feel you there. I only find emptiness.

What went wrong? You never believed I loved you no matter how much I tried. You never believed me no matter how many times I said I love you. We both came damaged and hurt, working to heal each other.  Little by little, breaking down the barriers. Now they are back, those walls, reinforced by pain, disillusionment and floods of memories.  Memories that were so sweet are now so sour, tears rolling down my face, a river of lies.

One would think that I would be used to the crushing pang of my heart.  For goodness sake, I am no child. Have I not learned that disappointment is a part of life. If you weren't so intertwined in my life; if I did not love you so much.  Why did we make so many plans? Now my hands are empty and my heart is cold. You stole from me what little life I had left. Goodbye.

The Great Wall I Built

Sometimes we are rushing back and forth, trying to catch up.  We forget to breathe in the fresh air, we forget to stop and smell the scent of life. The scent of life gives us hope, gives us drive and gives us a reason for tomorrow.  A tomorrow when you will see your children play, or your grandchildren. A day when Mr. Nibbles, the untrainable dog will lick you in the face and a tomorrow that is full of hope.

I lost hope for all those years that I knew no light. I am alone now. My oldest brother is very ill. Perhaps more ill than my 80-year-old father. My oldest sister is lost in the streets, unknown where. My next sister is in California and I got hurt by her words so I blocked her from my life. My most successful brother; I am not sure what his life has become. My youngest brother was always quiet. He doesn't talk much even til this day. My sister that looks more like me, laughs like me, she stormed out of my dad's home one day and I lost her. I have never found her since. My baby sister who shared 99 cent meals with me, late night pennies for a midnight snack. We worked together for years and I miss her the way she was before. Before I got sick, before I destroyed my life. I want them to see me as their little sister again but I have built a wall around me. I cannot get out and they cannot get in. I grieve because I died in between 1995 and 2009, depending on different perspectives. I was destined to be the best, the grandest, but I fell short of that. I have to let out the pain or it consumes me. I know there is no way to change what is. As soon as my father is gone, I will fly away never to be seen again. I think them together make a good family;  my siblings, my nieces, my nephews,  their children. I am ready to say good bye. I am ready to let go.

Mother of Mine

I lost you years ago, now. My faith compels me to believe you are in heaven. A mist that is phantasmic and your soul lingers in sweet bliss. I am one against the world,  you being gone. The pain I feel stays silent in my heart. No one listens. Your husband is crying for you. Your husband is needing you. I do not know how to help him, my father, your husband.  I try speaking your sweet sweet name and tears roll down my cheeks. Best friend of mine, my life. Your grandchildren are growing now, all in their own distinct path. They are full of bravery reminding me of you. They speak their mind and protect their own. A funny thing I will share with you. I am their queen like you were mine. Now that I cannot hug you I extend my arms to them and they quiet my heart. I miss you madre. At times I lay on your bed and I recall your strength, your battles. My warrior, my queen...the most beautiful and precious gem and I discovered you. You gave me all of you madre and selfishly, I want you back. I want to lay next to you and have my children love you as they love me. I'm crying, my soul missing your existence relishing your memories.