A monstrous tree twice the size of our house is outside my window. I had a particularly hard day with my depression, my reminiscing of work and my mother's absence. I knew this would be a challenge of a day to surpass. I sat in my room, no light being allowed into my sanctuary, that place where I could sit and wail, sobbing think of what monsters I fought yesterday and what thoughts would cross my mind today. What curse words would come in whose voices.
Things were worse back then, two years ago. I was confined to my room with no desire to get up or shower. I was a wasted life.
The chattering in my mind continued as it often does. The shadows were especially vivid that day. One voice in particular was prominent over the others. It said, "When everyone goes to sleep you will hang yourself from that tree, outside. You will get a rope ready and when all the children sleep, you will go outside and hang yourself. There was no remorse. It was just orders I heard over and over again." I itched to go outside, feel the bristles of the rope against my neck. I was ready. All along my rational side, my clinical experience was telling me not to do it. It reminded me of my children.
I picked up the phone not knowing who to call. I had no one. I dialed 911 knowing that tree would be the end for me. When they arrived I told them I would hang myself if I remained home. The voice was so compelling, so demanding. The paramedics took me to the hospital because I was determined a danger to myself.
The compelling voice of God saved me that day. Behind that evil voice, I heard Jesus. He had already died for my sins. He spoke to me in silence and I listened. I lay in the hospital bed hypnotized by a useless heart and mind, but at least I wasn't dead. With time this too would pass and I would go on to be alive again.
You see major depression does exist. It is not a flight of depression. It is a depressive mood that lives with you all the time. It grows and it shrinks but it's always there. If you feel this way? Look for help.
Things were worse back then, two years ago. I was confined to my room with no desire to get up or shower. I was a wasted life.
The chattering in my mind continued as it often does. The shadows were especially vivid that day. One voice in particular was prominent over the others. It said, "When everyone goes to sleep you will hang yourself from that tree, outside. You will get a rope ready and when all the children sleep, you will go outside and hang yourself. There was no remorse. It was just orders I heard over and over again." I itched to go outside, feel the bristles of the rope against my neck. I was ready. All along my rational side, my clinical experience was telling me not to do it. It reminded me of my children.
I picked up the phone not knowing who to call. I had no one. I dialed 911 knowing that tree would be the end for me. When they arrived I told them I would hang myself if I remained home. The voice was so compelling, so demanding. The paramedics took me to the hospital because I was determined a danger to myself.
The compelling voice of God saved me that day. Behind that evil voice, I heard Jesus. He had already died for my sins. He spoke to me in silence and I listened. I lay in the hospital bed hypnotized by a useless heart and mind, but at least I wasn't dead. With time this too would pass and I would go on to be alive again.
You see major depression does exist. It is not a flight of depression. It is a depressive mood that lives with you all the time. It grows and it shrinks but it's always there. If you feel this way? Look for help.
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