My Name was once Job....

 I have tried for most of my life to understand humanity.  I have even failed at understanding myself.  I defined who I was by a title, by a duty.  I worked many hours and became a machine of the system.  At first I had feelings, I had tears, I had nightmares.  But then came a day when there were no more tears and no more nightmares.  It became a job without emotions without remorse.  Families were created by God to be a whole and the stupidity of society in all its wisdom had determined that families should be split apart because the love that they feel for one another blinds them.  On the contrary my fellow man, that love is what keeps a family intact.  My father was a preacher and a believer that a family stuck together.  My mother was a rock that made sure we all stuck together through so many adventures that I could not even begin to explain.  I have all these mixed emotions in my head, all these dreams of children crying of children yearning for their parents that are no longer there.  In my mind I hear those children and they tell me "Who are you to tell me that I have no mother, no father."  I can't stay silent any longer because the silence that you can see on the outside is the torment that lives in my mind.  Are they voices...?  No, they are memories of the righteousness of a people whose job is to judge whether you are a good parent or deserve to lose that gift that only God can give you.  I cry many nights because I took that bond and I destroyed it.  Tired, hungry, overworked, I took that family and made a choice.  Was it always the right choice?  I would hope that when I meet my maker he will let me see that I made a difference in some lives.  I identify myself by what I have just explained.  The confusion in my mind never ends because when I look at my own children I think to myself but in a bat of an eyelash I would give my life for them.  How many people that we judge would have done the same if they could have.  Remember that is is not a job.  Its a responsibility to try and understand what can make the families whole again.  Is time in your favor?  Of course we all know that is not so.  But is God in our favor, do we have his grace?  Look at your actions and you will be able to know.  Lets not be ignorant we know the answer.  Every single one of us knows if this is a mission or just a job.  For me it was a mission.  I wanted to save lives.  I wanted children to stay with their mothers and their fathers.  Would I do it all  the same again.  Yes I would.  Would I choose my battles differently?  No I would not.  I do not cower from the choices I have made but the sacrifice I have paid is great.  I don't find peace in my mind; I don't find peace in my soul.  Perhaps a part of me does not believe in humanity any longer.  Those who I respected let me down.  Those who I respected turned around and said although you have sacrificed your life for these families you are not enough of what we ask of you.  Do they know what it is to be a shell of yourself?  To have filled yourself with the ins and outs of your job.  To have lost your identity because what you do asks so much of you and your family.  They know but they act as if they are righteous and cannot stumble.  For those who read this it may not make any sense.  For those who wonder why this woman writes so much.  It is the demons, the thoughts, the memories, the feelings, my soul that yearn to be released.  They are released here for you to read or to ignore.  I confess no talent for writing.  I write to live.  When I write I imagine it is like a crack addict that takes his first hit.  There is a sense of relief, a sense of freedom.  Your mind is freed onto the paper...Your mind is just a little more empty soon to be filled with more.  Do I wish I were different?  Do I wish silence in my mind would come.  No...  I was given a gift and one day I will have fulfilled my purpose because every step I take, every person I meet, helps me to become whole.  And when this journey ends I will know that whoever I am at that moment, that is who my maker wanted me to be...