Just when I thought I couldn't fall any deeper into the abyss, it happened. I was doing better for a while but then I went back to the real world and tried being a real person again. Well that's not so easy when you live a routine, you live a set life and then you go out into no man's land and try to survive. I have a hole in my chest where my heart used to be. It's a pretty big hole. Metaphorically, I could stick my hand through it and transcend to the ends of eternity. Realistically, it's just a broken heart. A broken heart that came from this game called life that I am no good at playing. You all know I'm not good at playing this ridiculous game. If you give me two doors and say one has a million dollars and one has a cart full of cat food, I would choose the one with cat food; never mind I have never owned a cat in my life. If you read my blog sometimes it can get pretty intense. It's because I don't hold back. I don't care what this world thinks about my thoughts but releasing them into the world, as not to keep them inside me. The yuck and the soot, the tar and the grime all on paper.... What a healing feeling it is to just let it go. To keep it inside is to destroy myself, to destroy my mind. I have been walking around for a few days with all so much inside of me and now I am here trying to get some of it out of my soul, out of my heart. You all know what I'm talking about; that negativity that clouts your days, clouts your mind. The trick is how most of us get it out of our lives. My way is to write, write, and write. The more I write the less it hurts, the less it hurts the more I write. I had a big disappointment this week. I was dating someone, someone who my family would think was way below my class. Let me explain. There are two types of men in this world, those who are educated and have a career and those who are not educated and although may not have a career, are working. Well my family prefers I date the latter and at least one of my siblings makes it very clear. Well I decided to listen to my conscience and I let him go. With all his loving kisses, with all his special hugs, with all his tender words; I let him go. He did not fit the mold and he knew he did not fit the mold. The instant I let go I regretted it. Only it was too late because what I told him made sense. Why fight for something that doesn't or wont belong to you. Now I sit here alone wishing for those good mornings my sunshine, I love you-more, and so forth. It's gone. It was there one minute and now it's gone. There is no chance of getting it back. Even if there were, I don't have the energy to go after it. I don't have the energy to fight. I lost that energy a long time ago. That gusto that made me want to get up in the morning and be me. That wind that blew through my hair and said, this is a beautiful day, that desire to make myself presentable to the world. For now, despite how much medicine I take, the difference is minimal. I take care of my daily chores; those that would keep my children in good state. Me, however, is a very different story. If you saw me you would be scared. You would wonder who this woman is, this ghost of a woman. I walk, I talk, but I do not live......
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