Lessons I Have Learned

Having children is a gift from God. Cherish every moment.

True love is very difficult to find. If you find it, make sure you value it every day.

Relationships need tender loving care to stay strong.

Money has its place in the world. Money should not have a place in your heart.

Every once in a while STOP, breathe in some air and look at the simple pleasures of life.

A true friendship is a diamond in the rough. It can withstand rain, sleet, hurricanes, tornados and more.

One must love themselves before they can love anyone else.

A mansion or a studio apartment are four walls. It is who is within that makes it a home.

There are many more but I'll stop with this all encompassing passage:

Put GOD first in your life and your life will be blessed in abundance and you shall not want for anything.

My Lifeline

MY LIFELINE

I stand in a room full of monitors, wires attached to her body. Oxygen keeping her breathing. She has had more strokes than I ever thought a body could withstand. She has had so many heart attacks. Her heart is weak, according to the doctors. Her brain is dead, according to the doctors. She was gone for seven minutes, flatlined, before they brought her back. I stand by her bedside and her eyes are open. I caress her hair because that's what I would do when we lay on her bed talking. A friend of the family, a doctor, comes in and tries to convince me that she is gone. He tries to convince me that her brain is dead. He tells me she would not want to live this way, hooked up to machines to keep her breathing and alive. How does he know? He didn't know her like I did. I was sure she was going to pull through, once again. I thought, she had fought all odds for us so many times. I lay my face next to hers, all along stroking her hair. She had black and silver lavishly beautiful hair. It had a wave to it that when she left it to dry by itself, you could see waves of hair in the sun.

Why are you here my best friend if you were already in rehab? Why are you here if you cheated death so many times before and returned to us? I'm sorry I didn't take time off my work and just focused on your care. I could have left my job for weeks and just sat by your side. Sure my children would have missed school. So what! So what! So what! It was a small price to pay for your life, for your presence. I wasn't there and you stopped breathing. I wasn't there and you slipped away. I should have been there mother. I should have rescued you. You slipped through my fingers and I will never forgive myself.  I will always regret that I was not by your side.

It was the day after her seven minute flat line. They brought her back from death because she wanted to be brought back. She was a fighter, my mother. She raised eight children, my mother. My mother, I remember staring in her eyes and saying to her, "If you can still hear me blink your eyes." She started crying, tears rolling down her cheeks. Even after seven minutes she could still hear me. Everyone said this wasn't a life she would have wanted to live, hooked up to all these machines. I went home that night heavy-hearted because I knew tomorrow was her last day. I went home with my little ones, put them to bed and cried to the early hours of the morning. I finally fell asleep some time before light.

The hour was drawing near. Ten p.m. if my memory serves me right. At that wicked hour we siblings would gather and say goodbye that one last time. I had already decided that this was not her day to go. I would tell the doctors that I disagreed and they would keep her alive. I kept thinking of her tears in my mind. She didn't want to die. I was on my way to the hospital when my husband called and said his truck broke down, the kids with him. My heart was racing. I had to be there to keep my mother from dying. I received a call saying they could no longer wait for me. I acquiesced. I received a call a few minutes later telling me she was gone. There was more said, but all I could hear was that she was gone. My sweet sweet gladiator was gone. She had gone to meet her maker. For the first time in my life I felt completely alone. Not the children, not my husband could fill that void. I drove us home as I quietly cried. The minute we got home I fell to my knees and I howled, the heart-wrenching pain was unbareable. I howled and howled until I could howl no more. My mother, my life source, was gone. The love of my life was no more.

My Dearest Robert

My Dearest Robert,

It is going to be so difficult to have you go away far and to not know how long you will be gone. It seems right now that we cannot speak to one another without arguing. Whether it's the illness, the fear of losing each other or just all our pain, writing to you what I feel is easier. We have both lived a hard life. We have both been hurt. I think I had to stop my fight or flight response after we got together. I found the way to stop that response through God. Not a church, not a temple, but my best friend God. I believe that my same God gave me a best friend in you. I vow on my own life that I will do everything in my power to make myself better while you are gone. I want you to know that I love you Robert. You are the best friend I ever had and with you I can share anything knowing you won't judge me. I am asking God to send the holy spirit with you to guide you and protect you wherever you are to be placed. I also ask God to bring his holy hand of healing to your body and heal you of your illness. I ask that he make your mind whole and that he comfort your heart. I am strong Robert. Much stonger than people give me credit for and I will be waiting for you. There is no time or distance that will change my dedication to you and my love for you. God let us cross paths and now we have to work to make US work. I love you Babe and remember God is always with us. It's not just empty words. The fact that we are still alive today is testimony that God exists.

Love Always,
Your Marshmallow

Remember this? +Robert Faz

THE MONSTER AMONGST US!

ARIZONA CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES
THE MONSTER AMONGST US

In 1998 I joined an agency which had a motto of helping children and helping families. That agency was Child Protective Services with the State of Arizona. The only thing they neglected to say in the interview was that there was so much red tape and paperwork involved in protecting children that you would spend 90% of your day behind a desk. Well, you see, as my nature called me to help these children, I became a rebel. I took time to get to know the families I was working with and to try to be a stepping stool and not a stumbling block. If you don't believe me I have hundreds of papers of conversations with supervisors about how we needed more staff to protect the children of Arizona. You see, the Arizona legislators saw it fit to require CPS to investigate 100% of cases in Arizona with insufficient staff and a high turn over rate. Most of our trainees already had another job lined up before they were even done with training. They knew if they stayed the State of Arizona would bleed them dry. In the present, with new policy that came into play created by a newly baptized social worker of two or so years experience in 2010,  they are removing children left and right. All in the name of covering their ass. The assessment that they use to investigate families through Child Protective Services in the State of Arizona is flawed. One because their staff is inexperienced "yes" people who barely graduated from University. Two, the assessment is so damn confusing you don't know your behind from your head once you finish interviewing with this useless assessment. Three because there is so much paperwork attached to covering CPS' REPUTATION that they have no time to check if the children are truly safe in the their homes. Yes, this is my platform, because for too many years, 17 to be more exact, I and hundreds of employees have stayed quiet about the ignorance which exists in the State of Arizona Division of Children, Youth and families. The system has recently, since 2010, been set up to remove children first and then ask questions. Some of you may think that is the right thing to do but it is not. These children will have one true attachment in their life and that is to their biological parent. One day they will inevitably want to know who they are and where they come from. You see, in 2010 I had a nervous breakdown because I had not had a vacation from so much paperwork that came with protecting children. The year before, my Interim Assistant program manager forced me to forfeit 186 hours of annual leave because although I was working over 100 hours every two weeks to keep up with the red tape and demanding paper work, she felt I didn't deserve a vacation. I could have appealed it and won. I could have had my 186 hours of annual leave. Instead, my supervisor at the time brought me into his office and said not to stir the pot. He promised to give me those hours here and there when possible. Funny thing is he was later demoted as we were both guinea pigs in their new task of ridding themselves of tenured staff and I lost those hard earned vacation hours to a promise from a supervisor.  Not only that! It doesn't stop there, though I wish it did. We were supposed to work as many hours as necessary to finish our JOB of protecting children (aka completing useless assessments) without pay. The motto was don't tell us you worked overtime and we won't ask. They forgot that our time sheets and the hours we were online have to match. They do not.  Believe me when I say that I have documentation and other State workers have documentation of how we were not compensated for our overtime and we were forced to be on-call 24/7 for a whole week about every two months without pay. Yes! I want to get a point across and this is my platform. Child Protective Services thinks that we are too afraid to speak out. The children in the community are not being protected.  You want to know why? It takes so much time filling out paperwork to make sure the State of Arizona is not held liable for failed CPS cases that investigators are stuck at their desks. Yes, they are pushing buttons on a computer instead of being out in the field protecting children and teaching families how to work together. Heck, with this NEW AND AWARD-WINNING ASSESSMENT they just skip fixing the family and go straight to removing the children. The sad thing is the State is no better parent. The staff are too busy to adequately parent your children. Yes, you, that got your child taken away! Your child, last I knew got $400 to buy school supplies and clothes for school in a year. Oh and $40 either for Christmas or their birthday. Not both. Tell me if this is enough to even clothe a child for school. Oh and they reduced Foster parent assistance all in the name of saving money. All that meant is that those who take care of foster children better budget themselves to make sure they can carry the task of raising an overflow of foster children. Now, I won't say that every case shouldn't be rectified by its own merit. But, Child Protective Services, why are you so quick to remove children from their home when your own staff spends all their time at work never seeing their own children? If you care at all for the children in foster care, the parents who are losing their children unjustly and the staff who had to work for free since 1993 to 2010, and possibly even now, then share this article like crazy. Make it go viral. Arizona's Child Protective Services needs to be held accountable for their actions and their lack of concern for their own employees and the children they remove. You want to know where we bathed children that came into CPS care? In our restroom sink. If they don't have a home for the child they sleep at the office on the floor. Just press share and you will have helped a family member who had their child taken away or had to stay and work for free while their own children needed them. Press share to let the public know that the Division of Children, Youth and Families Child Protective Services needs to think before taking children away from their families. If you are an employee of DCYF and don't know what to do about what is happening,  start documenting everything. If you need my documentation to make your case stronger, I have it readily available. No more silence! No more bullies disguised as administrators! No more loss of dedicated seasoned employees. Don't be afraid and stand up...I said stand up and be heard.

Insurance Meatmarket!

The State of Arizona made a horrible transition into the Insurance Marketplace (Obamacare). They notified me that my children's insurance expired after the fact. Now my daughter Anais is burning up with fever and congestion and has no medical insurance until March. Has the goverment declared a National emergency on the flu deaths? THIRTY in Yuma, Arizona

in one month. Buracreacy is the biggest crock. Yes, Uncle Sam, I have an extra $400 plus deductible and co-pays for the monthly medical of my children although I am single and on disability.  As a State employee I used to have no pre-existing, no yearly deductible and a small co-pay. Wasn't this supposed to help families?  My daughter deserves medical coverage in a First-world country!

Addiction

Part two: A little past the witching hour, but I made it. As I was saying, there are two major obstacles in a marriage or relationship that are difficult if not impossible to surpass. Would anyone care to guess the other? You guessed it drug dependency, alcohol dependency and other dependencies. If you have been with a drug or alcohol dependant person in your life, you know the chaos it causes. No one begins to understand what you are going through and what others see is only touching the surface of the problem. When I mention other dependencies I am talking about addictions such as internet porn, sexting, gambling, partner abuse or any other deviant dependency in your partner. It is very difficult to let go of these loved ones because you don't know if they can make it on their own. Believe you me, self-preservation is their main objective. They are like leeches that stick to you and begin to suck the life out of you. These addictions mentioned above need intervention and will not go away on their own. Be realistic with yourself and make a choice. Sometimes the choice is not only for yourself but for your children as well. Remember that what your children see at home growing up will be what they see as normal when they are adults. You are not alone. Many other women and MEN are experiencing the same pain. At minimum, seek help for yourself so that you can help identify what you are suffering and to help identify what you should do. Love yourself enough to get some help.

Infidelity

The Witching Hour is here and of course I cannot sleep. I was thinking about what is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. I came upon two most critical issues. Today, though, I would like to focus on infidelity. Not just marital, but in a relationship,  in your heart or simply by lusting someone who is not your couple. How many of us are starting to feel a little uncomfortable, reminiscing on not so proud moments in our lives. Simply put, do not allow infidelity to be a part of your life. Let me say it again for those who didn't quite understand me. DO NOT allow infidelity in your home! Why? Infidelity means there is no true love and, most importantly,  no respect. It could work the other way around as well. There is no respect and no true love. So for those who cheat, don't be a coward and walk away and be single. Stop hurting your couple. For those who are being cheated on, get out while you can! You are not only risking your self-esteem and your heart; you are risking your life. So be strong, know that a relationship is not a threesome and give yourself freedom from chains that are dragging you down. You will live to see another tomorrow.  It will be a better tomorrow because you will be able to hold your head up high and respect yourself. (Unknown author for the picture)

Three Branches

There is a tree in the fields of Arizona close to my home that stands out from the agricultural fields. Even at their bloom, the wheat fields don't cover this tree.  I have stared at this tree many an hour from my outside porch. What kind of tree? I haven't a clue in the world for as much as I know about a tree is that it absorbs water from its roots to grow and bloom.  If you look at that particular tree over the sunset you can see that it consists of three branches. One larger branch that grows many leaves. One thinner branch to the South that grows leaves when it wants and a strong branch to the North that never changes. It never grows leaves; it never moves.

The largest branch is directly feeding off the stalk of the tree. It grows beautiful leaves and it sways in the winds of Spring. It's a strong branch though somewhat crooked in several areas. The second branch has some Springs when it sways its beautiful leaves in the wind, glistening in the sun. Other years, approaching fall, you see no branches. It just stays still.  The little branch to the North is very peculiar for it grows but it never grows leaves nor does it have any curvatures, just straight.  It's strong, no doubt. Just growing straight out.

One day I decided to take a closer inspection of this awkward looking tree. I approached and I could feel some of the roots under my feet. The roots must run deep if they are already sprouting out of the ground,  I assumed.  I got to the tree and one could see that the bark had seen its years of hardship. There were patches of bark missing. There were saw marks in some areas of the tree as if someone had tried to cut it down. Yet, it stood there holding those three branches, steadfastly.

From the little that I know about trees, I assume that if one branch is broken off, the rest of the tree can still thrive.  As such I assumed about this tree that I had seen yonder for so long. One day, as I did every once in a while, I woke up at sunrise to say good morning to the day and that steadfast tree. I sat at my porch bench, took a sip of my coffee and rose my head to see the tree against the sunrise. I dropped my coffee cup as it shattered on the floor. One, two... One, two... One, two!!!!!! I ran to the tree and found that the unpredictable branch was gone. It was not sawed off; it had been broken off and it had been taken. I was saddened for the tree now held two branches but surely it would thrive. I went back and cleaned the mess I had left behind. I surprised myself as I wiped a tear from my cheek.

A few days later, from afar, I noticed no leaves on that bigger branch. Why? It was Spring. I approached and looked at the other smaller branch and it was starting to dry and slant. I inspected the bark and there was a sap-like substance coming from its old wounds. A month later I went back to that same tree. The branches were brittle to touch and the bark, the strong tree, dead.

God gave me three branches such as those I have described.  He gave me a love for them that I can never describe. Nothing could substitute their love and vibrancy though they are all different.  I am the tree stalk. I live for them bringing them the water they need to grow. God spare me the day that this old tree would have to be without one of its beautiful branches. God spare me...

You are There

When I was at my lowest, you raised  me up. When I was lost you showed me the light. When I was hungry, you fed me. When I needed warmth in my heart, you sent the holy spirit. When I was lonely, you sent my beloved daughter. You always carry me, especially in my toughest times. That is why I knock at your door today and say, "It is me Lord, your faithful servant. I need uplifting of my soul as I am walking on a mountain so high. I am tired." The Lord speaks, "My Dearest Dearest daughter, I know you may not see it now, but you will make it past this mountain and you will drink from the river of life because you are one of my jewels. Do not look back for you have tread a long way. Keep moving forward."

My Dearest Friend

My Dearest Friend,
I am saddened by your state of mind, by the turmoil in your life and the pain in your heart. I know you are angered for where has the time gone. That innocent young mind full of hopes and dreams is now slapped in the face by the reality of life. Did you believe life would be heavenly bliss? I knew not, for my thoughts were plagued with sadness at the age of five. Only to explain my state of mind at five-years-old, I was sitting on a step crying over the atomic bomb and how many people it would kill. Does a child think this way? A child who will grow up to self-implode, yes. However, let us not stray from the issue at hand. I want you to know that life is unpredictable. One minute you are here and the next you are there. That is the way life works, forever changing. If you resist the change, you will only anguish that much more. My friend, allow yourself to cocoon so that from that shell will emerge a majestic butterfly.  That butterfly will fly free, able to land on fields of flowers. What you feel today, if you let it go, will be forgotten tomorrow.  I promise.
With Love,
Your friend

Changeling....

People change like seasons change. Once that transformation occurs, although they physically appear the same, they are not. They are strained by the wind, the sun, the snow, the sleet. Life smooths the edges, create ridges, whithers at a person, creates a new creature. Homeostasis is impossible because two things are certain in this life, change and the fallen tree. So when I am old and frail I will still be me outside but I will have gone full circle many times. I will have become a million me in my heart and in my soul. For every thought and every feeling changes what once was.

The Best a friend could be....

To lose your only friend in life
How mystifying that is to me
To lose your only one true friend
What a devastating tragedy
The friend you knew in pony tails
Who played Red Roses with you
The friend that dressed as a nun
While you dressed like a clown
We stood at Hallmark for hours
Laughing until our tummies hurt
In our youth we danced til dawn
Enjoying every minute together
We were hungry one day in June
We cooked a burnt pizza that day
Funny days, fun days, sad days
We shared them all the same
When she was to be married
I did not go to her wedding
I regret making that choice
But I just couldn't give her away
For a long time we didn't speak
You see I was broken hearted
For I didn't know how to share her
She was my older sister in life
Then suddenly I was by myself
Soon enough we spoke again
Oh how I missed her near me
She traveled the world, had babies
I went to University and grew up
Not one day in all that time
Was there a day that I didn't miss
The jokes, the tricks, the games
Spending 365 days a year together
Now we are half past twelve
I have been through hell and back
Now the game is half way over
She has lived a quiet peaceful life
We are different as black on white
Yet no matter how much time
When we are together we are
Six again, 15 again, young again
We laugh, we cry, we reminisce
This life-long friendship of ours

                           -Susana Zaragoza